Who saw this coming? A badly written book about vampires takes the world by storm. Even Stephanie Meyer didn’t see this – her goal, in the beginning, was to sell her book after countless rejections for enough money to buy a new vehicle. Instead, the damn thing blew up to spawn equally bad movies and has single-handedly ruined the true vampire lore for an entire generation. Kudos to Meyer – she actually inspired millions of people to read. However, too much exposure to “Twilight” can cause brain death. Here are the top 5 reasons.
- No one can be that beautiful. Edward is beautiful. Edward is so beautiful. How do we know Edward is so beautiful? Because his beauty is documented on almost every fucking page of this thrice-damned book. No one can handle this much beauty. The beauty of Edward (and the repetition of said beauty) is enough to overwhelm the brain cells of anyone witness to the beauty that is Edward. Seriously.
- Edward is a pedophile. There. I said it. We can argue about this all night, but face it. At worst, Edward is a disgustingly perverted pedophile, and at best he’s a cradle-robbing monster. He’s ONE HUNDRED years old! Bella is SEVENTEEN! Do the math. And while you wrap your little brain around that, please explain how Hugh Hefner is still scoring with the chicks. Brain death. It’s the only explanation.
- The logic defies the laws of biology. Really, there are so many logic holes in this story it leads to immediate brain death trying to figure it out. The biggest one is how in hell did Edward impregnate Bella? HE’S DEAD. But even more illogical than that, without a heartbeat, how did blood rush to his cock and become erect in the first place? Argh, my brain! It’s dead!
- Enough to make a mother cry. Bella is about as far from a role model for a daughter as you can get. She’s wimpy, whiny and totally co-dependent. The way she thinks of Edward is disturbing, unnatural and calls for some intense therapy. If your kid has emulated some of Bella’s characteristics after reading this tripe, brain death is imminent and you should seek help ASAP.
- The Paradox. Vampire and werewolf lore has been firmly established even in those who don’t necessarily read this type of fiction. Meyer plays fast and loose with the mythology and folklore. While some kind of latitude is given in the name of artist’s license, some things just don’t need to be messed with. Trying to reconcile the blood-sucking demon vampires of old with glittering vegan vampires is just too much and will lead to instant brain death. You have been warned.
