Vampires have held a fascination for humans since Bram Stoker’s Dracula. However, today’s vampires, as evidenced by shows like “True Blood”, have undergone quite an evolution since Stoker’s day. Poor Bram would probably barely recognize his creations, and would most likely desire to drive a stake through the heart of today’s trendy blood-suckers. In spite of the deviance from established vampire lore, “True Blood” continues to fascinate and mesmerize – at least that vampiric tradition still holds true. Here are the top 5 reasons “True Blood” truly sucks.
- This is one horny bunch of blood-suckers. Okay, now think about it. Vampires are dead. Their hearts don’t beat, so how can a vampire sustain or even attain an erection? Physically not possible, yet the vampires of “True Blood” hump more than a herd of hopped-up rabbits.
- Blood is a drug that I’m dreaming of. Vampire blood is sold as a hallucinogenic drug and a miracle healing substance in tiny little vials. It only takes a drop on a piece of blotter to get you higher than a crackhead, yet when drunk straight from the vein by the gallon, no hallucinations ensue. What’s up with that?
- Really stupid bad guys. Until we get to Russell Edgington (and he’s just plain batshit crazy), most (but not all) of Bon Temp’s bad guys are dumber than a box of rocks. They stumble and fumble around and get themselves killed and stacked up like cordwood (oh Franklin, how I miss you!). It’s insulting to think a southern bad guy can’t have a brain in his head. Wait…
- Where have you been all my life? First it’s vampires coming out of the closet. Then shape-shifters and werewolves. Now, were-panthers. And let’s not forget the crazy maenads, weird fairy folk and Hoyt’s mother. Is EVERYBODY weird? Are there no “normal” people left? There’s so much supernatural DNA going on in this show Lafayette’s sexual preferences are tame by comparison.
- We don’t like it when you make us wait. Okay, I’ll confess. I love watching “True Blood”. Sex, blood, sex, more blood, intrigue, sex, strange creatures, sex, and blood. What’s not to love? But the number one reason “True Blood” truly sucks is the wait between seasons. An entire year when crap like “Survivor” or “Dancing With The Stars” airs twice a year? Yeah. That really sucks.
